Have you ever given in to an addiction and just felt so blissfully happy and relieved that you want to cry? That’s me right now. I tried cluing people in that I needed help, that I was on the edge, at breaking point, whatever you want to call it. As usual, no one noticed me internally screaming. So here I am, in addiction a go go. And man, does it feel good.
You wanted me and now you have me, but now that you have me you’re realizing that you don’t want me. You don’t have to say it, I can just tell. Apparently this is going to be a common occurrence for me.
I really hate knowing that my mother is going to have/already has Alzheimer’s. Of course she denies that she has this issue, but sometimes it’s just hard to ignore.
For instance, today her and my dad were fighting as per usual when she brings up someone charging $14 at our town’s wawa for gas. The wawa in my town doesn’t have gas. She forgot that it doesn’t have gas. And she stood there screaming at my dad for it when it’s not even possible. What more than likely happened is she charged something there and completely forgot.
Well, my dad just came in my room to tell me about the fight because he didn’t know I heard it and I said to him, dad you do realize that mom is going to have or already has Alzheimer’s right? I’d never wanted to mention it because his mom had it and it ended very badly. His response was that he knew, but that he won’t be around to see it and I don’t think he meant that he’ll be dead. I know he says he won’t leave, he can’t because he pays for everything important, but that still scared the shit out of me.
Yet another reason why if I don’t have my first kid by the time I’m 30 I’m not having them. This is too much stress for me to have to worry about. I shouldn’t have to think about my parents dying or how to take care of an ailing mother when I’m 23. It’s just ridiculous. Sure I have two older sisters, but they’re both in Florida and one is not exactly mentally stable so it will all fall on me.
There’s really not much I can do about it. I’ll just have to wait and see and hope everything turns out ok.
I seriously like spending time with this kid way too much. It’s definitely becoming a problem especially since he’s moving in less than a month. He keeps saying that I should go with him and swears he’s serious but I know he must not really be. I mean, that would be a tad much. It’s still super cute though and I’m going to miss him a lot when he’s gone. I really wonder what it says about me that I’ve become so interested in someone that has been labeled as unavailable since day one. Someone that I know for a fact is going to leave me. Do I purposefully seek out people that are going to leave or am I just that unlucky?
So the other day I found out that there’s a pretty damn good chance that I have an incurable disease. I’m not going to say what it is on here, but I will tell you it’s not fatal. Even still, it’s something that’s going to effect my entire life and it’s something that, so far, has been very painful. It’s left me feeling very lonely. My friends that I’ve told have all been fantastic, and my dad has even been great. My sister has been mostly ok, only a few little things were said that she immediately felt bad about. My mother of course has been absolutely terrible in her normal fashion being so rude as to act like this is happening to her and saying things with no regard to how they might upset me.
Even with almost everyone in my life being so amazing I still feel so very very alone. The day I realized what was probably wrong with me I cried for hours and considered cutting for the first time in three years. It would have been so easy, but I didn’t. I also considered suicide, and let me tell you with how much I’ve been alone this past week that would have been a fucking breeze. I didn’t do that either though, obviously.
I really just don’t know what to do. Dating is totally out of me right now because of dealing with this and that’s really upsetting because I was just starting to get back into that, or into that at all really. I’ve had lots of relationships but I’ve never really dated and now I feel like I’m not really going to get the chance to because whenever I go on a date with someone in the back of my mind all I’ll be thinking about is this huge secret I have from them and when is it the right time to tell them? I hate lying to people, it’s always my policy to just tell people all the big things about me upfront because the right person won’t care what’s happened in the past and they’ll stay. That’s always worked for me in the past, but now, I just don’t think I can do that. This is too big a thing to tell someone upfront but it’s too big for me to hide it until they know me well enough to be invested because I’d feel way too guilty the whole time and I hate that feeling.
I’m at this terrible point in my life where I have no idea what to do and no one that can help me out. I’m the only person that can figure this out but I just don’t have a clue. All I know is that I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life.