I really hate knowing that my mother is going to have/already has Alzheimer’s. Of course she denies that she has this issue, but sometimes it’s just hard to ignore.
For instance, today her and my dad were fighting as per usual when she brings up someone charging $14 at our town’s wawa for gas. The wawa in my town doesn’t have gas. She forgot that it doesn’t have gas. And she stood there screaming at my dad for it when it’s not even possible. What more than likely happened is she charged something there and completely forgot.
Well, my dad just came in my room to tell me about the fight because he didn’t know I heard it and I said to him, dad you do realize that mom is going to have or already has Alzheimer’s right? I’d never wanted to mention it because his mom had it and it ended very badly. His response was that he knew, but that he won’t be around to see it and I don’t think he meant that he’ll be dead. I know he says he won’t leave, he can’t because he pays for everything important, but that still scared the shit out of me.
Yet another reason why if I don’t have my first kid by the time I’m 30 I’m not having them. This is too much stress for me to have to worry about. I shouldn’t have to think about my parents dying or how to take care of an ailing mother when I’m 23. It’s just ridiculous. Sure I have two older sisters, but they’re both in Florida and one is not exactly mentally stable so it will all fall on me.
There’s really not much I can do about it. I’ll just have to wait and see and hope everything turns out ok.
So the other day I found out that there’s a pretty damn good chance that I have an incurable disease. I’m not going to say what it is on here, but I will tell you it’s not fatal. Even still, it’s something that’s going to effect my entire life and it’s something that, so far, has been very painful. It’s left me feeling very lonely. My friends that I’ve told have all been fantastic, and my dad has even been great. My sister has been mostly ok, only a few little things were said that she immediately felt bad about. My mother of course has been absolutely terrible in her normal fashion being so rude as to act like this is happening to her and saying things with no regard to how they might upset me.
Even with almost everyone in my life being so amazing I still feel so very very alone. The day I realized what was probably wrong with me I cried for hours and considered cutting for the first time in three years. It would have been so easy, but I didn’t. I also considered suicide, and let me tell you with how much I’ve been alone this past week that would have been a fucking breeze. I didn’t do that either though, obviously.
I really just don’t know what to do. Dating is totally out of me right now because of dealing with this and that’s really upsetting because I was just starting to get back into that, or into that at all really. I’ve had lots of relationships but I’ve never really dated and now I feel like I’m not really going to get the chance to because whenever I go on a date with someone in the back of my mind all I’ll be thinking about is this huge secret I have from them and when is it the right time to tell them? I hate lying to people, it’s always my policy to just tell people all the big things about me upfront because the right person won’t care what’s happened in the past and they’ll stay. That’s always worked for me in the past, but now, I just don’t think I can do that. This is too big a thing to tell someone upfront but it’s too big for me to hide it until they know me well enough to be invested because I’d feel way too guilty the whole time and I hate that feeling.
I’m at this terrible point in my life where I have no idea what to do and no one that can help me out. I’m the only person that can figure this out but I just don’t have a clue. All I know is that I’ve never felt this alone in my entire life.
I decided to go to a place where I used to go with my old best friend when we were kids. It’s this semi secluded place next to a creek a couple blocks from my house. I always used to go here when I was younger and just needed to get away. But now, even here, I just can’t make myself scream.
Do you ever feel like you have to hold yourself together because everyone around you is falling apart and you can’t allow yourself to do that? Well that’s been me lately. I’m usually the last person to deny my problems, but not these days, and the people I’m keeping it together for is my parents. Unfortunately it’s not really working anymore. I just need to scream and cry and freak out, but I can’t.
I really don’t like that I have this one friend that always says if you need me I’m here when he doesn’t really mean it. What he means is if you need me, and it doesn’t have anything to do with a person you might be currently be or previously have been interested in that’s not me, I’m here for you. No. Fuck you. I understand that you have feelings for me, really, I do, but either you’re always my friend and here for me or you’re not because it makes things so much worse when I try to talk to you about shit and you just blow me off with, well you know I’m here if you need me. Clearly, I need you since I’m trying to talk to you.
Honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this because the past 3 years have not been the easiest and I used to have a fairly sizable problem with cutting.
This last time was also the only time I ever technically cut over a guy. That’s not really an accurate reason, but I’ll get to that. I was always happy that no matter what I was always able to hold back and just leave my house or cry or be with friends whenever I was upset because of a “boy problem.” For me, as it is with a lot of things in my life, it was an issue of pride. I’m a very prideful person and I refused to cut over something so seemingly trivial and fleeting. Whenever I cut it was because of something with my parents or with my friends. Still not a good thing, but I felt better about it.
Now onto the technicality. I’ve mentioned before that I had a best friend that killed himself, well, 3 years ago today was his funeral. It was one of the most depressing days of my life. I almost missed the funeral because the friend I was going to go with decided not to go. Luckily I got a ride from another friend so I didn’t have to walk there. I cried like a crazy person the entire time, I wasn’t able to stop, and afterwards there was a lunch thing in the basement of the church which I barely remember. I think I walked home from the church, I’m honestly not sure now that I think about it, the whole day is such a blur. I just remember coming home to a totally empty house and considering committing suicide. It just hurt too much. I didn’t want to deal with the pain anymore. And it wasn’t just the pain from my friend dying, it was everything. In the 7 months preceding his death I had had a lot happen to me. My grandmother died, I ended things with a guy that I had been in love with because he was moving to another state to be with his fiance, yes I’m aware that I’m a terrible person, I got a new boyfriend that ended up seriously molesting me to the point that I couldn’t even kiss someone for over a year without almost, or actually, bursting into tears, and of course the last person that I had slept with, my best friend, was now dead. What’s sad is I know I’m leaving things out, I just can’t remember anymore all the shit that I had going on. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life and dying seemed like a very viable option.
Instead, I decided to cut. I put on the Katy Perry song Thinking of You, as ridiculous as that sounds, I’m sure he hated that song, but the lyrics were perfect for the situation. I cut a lot. I cut up on my shoulders which I had never done before and all over my thighs. It was pretty bad and I still have some more visible scars because of it. Even while I was cutting I was thinking about suicide. I thought of so many different ways and my parents didn’t come home until it was dark. I could have just shut my door and they wouldn’t have known for somewhere close to 24 hours.
Hopefully, two years from now I’ll be able to say it’s been 5 years. Truth be told, a part of me misses cutting, I’m kind of a scar fanatic due to the huge one I have on my chest from open heart surgery. I don’t ever want to go back to being like that though and I like to think that that part of my life is totally behind me. Unfortunately cutting is the sort of thing that is a struggle for life. Once you start, it’s not easy to stop and I’m still not sure how I did, it just sort of happened and as the days went by it faded into the background.
I really hate feeling pathetic. In fact, I try to avoid feeling like this at all costs. Tonight though, given the way I stated I was feeling in my last post, I decided to seek it out for some reason and message a guy on a dating site that hasn’t responded to me in over 2 weeks even though he’s been online. I’m really just setting myself up for rejection here and I really don’t know why. Perhaps because I feel like this guy is currently my last feasible option. I’m really not sure. Technically there is an ex, an old ex, that I know I still have feelings for, strong ones at that, but I’ve been suppressing them like hell and just not hanging out with the kid anymore. I refuse to get myself into another situation like I did with my ex that we shall call V. I can’t make myself vulnerable like that again. Even though it would probably end differently, I just can’t.
It’s really weird seeing all the things that you thought would happen to you happening to someone else. It’s especially weird when that person was your best friend for 20 years.
My old best friend is currently dating and in love with a guy that I was in love with for quite some time and thought I would eventually marry. When they started dating it was really weird because while I was upset, I wasn’t angry, I’m still not angry. I’m just happy for them. Happy that they found each other, even if it was terribly ironic how they did, and happy because they’re quite possibly more perfect for each other than anyone else I’ve ever met. They’re the kind of people that girly romance novels are written about, and it’s great.
I’m a creep and check this girl’s tumblr even though she’s currently mad at me, for what I have no idea since I honestly think I handled this whole thing like a champ, but anyway, today I saw that she’s moving in with my ex and that she’s getting promoted at her job. She also says how they both know that they’re going to get married one day, just like I thought we were going to. It’s so weird reading about all this happening since I thought this would be me. I’m happy for her and proud of her that she’s able to take this step but i still have such mixed emotions and it’s odd.
For the most part this will be me just writing down my thoughts to have some form of outlet for all the things jumbling around in my head, but for now I believe an introduction is in order.
Hi, my name is Joanna, I’m 23, and I have a massive amount of mental issues. I debated having a personal tumblr for a long time just because it seemed like such a cliché and I figured that I shared my thoughts so infrequently that it wasn’t really necessary for me to have one. Clearly, I’ve changed my mind. In the past, whenever I’ve kept an account of what I’ve been thinking or going through it’s helped me a lot. Unfortunately, I’m lazy and actual writing is a lot slower than typing. I also purposefully never really mentioned my age on my main tumblr because I feel like most of the stuff I post would make people think that I’m around 16 and that made me feel kind of immature. But, on this page I’m not gonna hide anything because this is mostly for me. Hopefully it will be the outlet I want it to be, if not it’ll be an epic failure but at least I’ll have tried.
Just a note for anyone who decides to read this, I tend to overuse commas in my writing to try to make up for the fact that I never used them as a child, I hardly ever make proper paragraphs, and this is almost always going to be a stream of consciousness sort of writing in which I will never go back over what I’ve written after I’ve typed it, mostly to save time.